Are the Nude Squirrels Still There?
Important Answers to Unasked, Burning Questions


Many of you, over the past several weeks, have not asked trenchant questions about the aftermath of some previous postings. Questions such as “Hey, you are such a styling dude, may I share your ego?” have failed entirely to materialize. Under this relentless pressure, then, we feel that it is important to assure the general public that there ARE answers to their unasked or, as we say, “pre-utterance” queries. And we are willing to give those answers. Here. Now. Without waiting for, say, a national election:

Q: Are there still nude, lactating squirrels in the roof of your Florida Room?



Answer: Whatever is in my personal Florida Room, it is not lactating squirrels of any kind. In the Florida Room of our house, though, the Nude Squirrels wisely chose to depart in late June. They took with them all of the household appliances they could carry and, in a fit of foreclosure rage, left squirrel graffiti. We have sealed the living space formerly used by squirrels and have cleverly not revealed to them the numbers on the lock-box hung outside on the gutter.

Q: Have you spent $250 to replace the catalytic converter recently removed by terrorists from under your stylin’ and GQ-envied 1998 Chevrolet Venture minivan? If so, how does it look now?

Answer: We have NOT spent $250 to replace the catalytic converter. We have, instead, spent $400 to replace the catalytic converter. Ever since the Homeland Security boys at Midas welded on the new converter, our stylin’ minivan has looked and performed exactly like a factory-new Lotus Elise. We anticipate that the drugs will not wear off until after we have crossed the 220,000 mile barrier some time next year, at which point the vehicle will once again begin to resemble a poorly-treated minivan.

Q: Has the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History corrected its recent Precambrian blunder?

Answer: Recent searches of the Smithsonian website find no references to Kenton Stufflebeam, the alert 5th-grader who, in early April this year, pointed out that the venerable institution had it wrong on its geological eras. The museum is cleverly chumming with postings about algae research and Thaumaptilon, a Precambrian animal that bridges the gap between earlier animals that “look like quilted sheets” and later animals that resemble Bill Clinton. A search for Stufflebeam (or, as the Smithsonian knows him, Slufflebeam) finds the sad entry that “no pages were found containing Stufflebeam.” Mr. Stufflebeam has also dropped off the media radar as of about April 5. We presume an Amber Alert has been issued!

Q: What are your thoughts now that Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has agreed to a plea bargain that admits he committed felonies, requires him to pay back $1 million, sends him to jail for four months and mandates that he not run for office for five years, yet leaves him serving as mayor for the next two weeks?

Answer: Reliable sources have informed us that we are not supposed to think about this. Too many heads would implode, placing an undue burden on local public safety first responders.

Q: Isn’t it true that, in your major urban metropolitan center, last week a man was arrested for breaking into a car, during daylight, parked next to the courthouse, while court was in session and police were actually walking nearby?

Answer: This is manifestly Not True. A man was not arrested. THREE males were arrested, including one 16-year-old, after Alert Security Monitors monitored them approaching a vehicle, smashing out its windows and acquiring objects from inside it. The former individuals, all now “suspects,” apparently felt that leaving objects in a vehicle parked next to the Lincoln Center for Justice was an excessively-risky behavior pattern by an unnamed driver.

Q: Was a man arrested for stealing the copper roof of a Catholic church over the Labor Day weekend in the major metropolitan urban center near you?

Answer: No. Again, your supposition is incorrect. It is true that police arrested a 50-year-old man on Saturday evening when they Alertly Noticed that an entire roll of bent-up copper was being lowered down the side of the church building, dangling from a rope. Then, on the next day, they ALSO arrested the second person to strike the same church, who this time was stealing copper shingles. Where you get it wrong is when you ask if the “roof” was stolen. Parts of the roof remain.

Q: Did former Toyota executive, now Chrysler executive, Jim Press identify Detroit’s product marketing troubles as being unrelated to the fuel efficiency of its products?

Answer: In fact, Mr. Press has keenly sleuthed out that the reason people are not buying Detroit products is that nobody will lend them the money to buy them. In a recent interview, the nimble-minded executive said that financing, not fuel, is the source of all the current evil in the marketplace. Chrysler is now engaged in a battle with Nissan for sixth place overall in the North American market. We predict a bronze medal.

Q: Is it true that you are prepared to answer many more questions?

Answer: That would be telling.